Loss…

There has been a tremendous amount of loss this year for me and many others I know. Today, I just found out that someone I was once very close to passed away in June. Although, our lives were no longer connected…one of those “only for a season” type connections this still really hurt to find out.

I will not list out all the people I have lost since coming back from deployment in August 2022, but it has been a significant amount. Thinking about this most recent loss and many of the recent losses of my friends that I have heard about this year, I realized that we are still losing a lot of young black men.

I know this has always been an unfortunate reality, but what stood out to me more is that these lives are being taken by sickness, opposed to violence and hate. Don’t get me wrong those issues are still very prominent reasons for the loss of many young black men today. But right now I noticed an increase in their lives being taken due to mental and physical sickness. And that truth really weighed on my Spirit today.

The number of young black men that WE have all loss to mental and physical sickness seems to be increasing exponentially. Quite possibly this may just be in my circle of relationships and connections but either way I want to bring this to other’s attention. In hopes that we can pray for those grieving these losses and that we pray for the lives of those we still have here with us.

Also, I hope this reminds us what is really important. Which is loving each other in the way God intended and that we spend our lives focused on God’s plan. Leading lives that work to mirror Jesus’ life, and ones that will lead others to Him.

Something that has really made my grief even harder was the realization that I could’ve shown more love to those I’ve lost and how I hope that they had a relationship with God.

My roommate in Cali, had cancer twice while I was living with him. I remember being annoyed with him being in a “negative space” often and that made me not want to be around him often so I would distance myself. He beat cancer the first time, but then he got it again a few months before I deployed. And even though I knew he had a lot of estranged relationships (which became evident with the lack of support he had when he was fighting cancer the first time) I still would distance myself. Out of protection for myself and my emotions is what I would say. 🙃

Fortunately, we did start hanging out a little bit more before I left and that was nice and we chatted a bit while I was overseas. If it had not been for his hospitality and kindness I would have left Cali much sooner. Lonnie opening up his home to me allowed me the chance to live in my dream city, San Diego, for a couple years. But I continue to think about how many times God urged me to invite him to church with me while I lived there, and Lonnie would say he would come with me if I let him know. But I would never tell him on time and I wasn’t going to service at a consistent time either. Another thing when I returned from deployment I saw him one time and could tell that he was much sicker than he had been the first time. And God kept telling me to go back and visit Lonnie but I just never made it because I was too focused on what I had going on. And then I find out that the cancer took his life, a month or so after I had visited Cali and not visited him again.

I said all that to vent but also to show how selfish I can be at times. I spend a lot of time focused on myself and getting myself in “order” (which is essential when you want to be able to help others). But I have been really selfish, so laser-focused on my life that I completely shut out other people’s need. There is no reason that I can not work on me, and still show more love than I have been to the people in my life and others that I may cross paths with.

I share all this to remind us to love, really show love. Love is hard as we all know, but it’s powerful and necessary. We all need it, so we should all give it. Showing love to others can be healing for ourselves as well.

In closing, I pray for the strength of those grieving anyone, and I pray that they are leaning on You Father to help them in their mourning and in everything else. Father, I pray for the mental and physical health of our black men. I pray that they are surrounded by love and support to help them face these challenges. Father, I know we all have our issues and struggles not just our black men, so I pray for us all. Lord, strengthen us a people. Teach us to love unconditionally, but not at the expense of damaging ourselves. Father, You know where that balance lies and You can show us all the way. Open our eyes, minds, and hearts to seek You and Your guidance. Lead us to share Your word and Your love always.

Father, I love you.

In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen! 💜

I just want to add to those of you reading this, in case you didn’t know already, I love you. I may be terrible at showing it and I am so sorry if I have been. Please forgive me and know I love you!

Balance.

When I first started this blog, I did not plan to write super consistently, but I definitely did not intend to take 4 months to make the next post. Yet here we are and honestly I’m cool with that. Like my previous post mentioned, “life’s been life-ing”.

This blog is more of an outlet, similar to how painting and singing are for me. I also use my prayer journal as an outlet, but sometimes I like to share with others what’s on my heart for my sake and just in case someone else is currently battling with the same thing as me. Plus writing things out and sharing my thoughts with others, tends to help me gain new insight on what’s constantly rolling around in my head.

So what’s been rolling around in my head lately?

BALANCE!

My body and soul have been craving this word. I’m working two jobs right now, which is something I’ve grown accustomed to over the years. I’ve pretty much worked multiple jobs at once for many years since I was old enough to work. But it’s finally taking a toll on me. I sleep maybe 3 hours a day, and I commute a little over an hour back and forth. I’ve found some ways to cope and make the load lighter, like staying at a friends during the week. Meal prepping for the week and packing for the whole week on Sundays. And these things help to a certain extent. Yet I find myself on Sunday (my only full day off between both jobs) just drained. I try to cram everything I couldn’t do for myself during the week into that one day and still prep for the week. But I hardly get anything accomplished for myself, and I’m angry and crabby towards my family during the only time I get to spend with them. And I really hate this feeling!

I know I should walk in faith and finally let one go, but I feel stuck. One of my goals and commitments to God was to be a better steward of my finances and so logic says financially I need to keep both. Yet I made another commitment to God to truly work on my creative gifts, but I do not have the time to REALLY cultivate them. I don’t even have the time to just sit with GOD, and that is ultimately what I really need. I’m having a hard time hearing Him and knowing what He intends for me to do.

Although I know what I need and where to get it from, I can’t seem to find it.

So that’s been my prayer, seeking BALANCE. I realize as I type that I haven’t truly presented this request to God yet. The thought rolls around in my head and I’m constantly complaining about the need for balance. But I have not made this request known to the Father. Isn’t that crazy!!?? I knew writing out my thoughts would lead me to a solution!

So Father, even though I have not come to You directly, I know You already know what I need and You’re already working. But Father I want to come to You now. Lord, strengthen my faith to make the decisions You intend for me to make. Father bring balance in my relationships with others, my emotions, my physical and mental strength, my heart, my mind, my careers, my finances, my sleep, and my creative pursuits, Father, I will wait on You!

Lord, if there is someone else reading this who is also in need of balance I pray this prayer over them as well. In Jesus’ sweet name I pray. Amen! 💜

Life Been Life-ing

I initially started the brand Finding My Joi as a podcast (which is still available on most platforms). But now I’m picking it back up in a different way, by blogging. It’s a lot easier for me to write out my thoughts, and pour out my heart journaling opposed to speaking. So that’s what I intend to do here.

Finding My Joi was started so that I can share my life experiences with the hope that I will impart wisdom or knowledge that I have already struggled to learn with others. So that they will see they are not alone and possibly get help from my experience as they battle through their own experiences.

Now that I got all that out, let’s get caught up.

I had a myomectomy to remove a large fibroid weighing 5 pounds 18 cm. This was the first and only surgery I’ve ever had so it was a big deal to me. I’m still in the military, recently deployed (coming back from deployment was rocky as hell). I had a great boyfriend, then somehow didn’t have one anymore. Had many challenges with my body, my confidence, and my identity. ALL my relationships (friends, fam, etc.) have been tested yet strengthened. I moved to San Diego for a few years, and just moved back to NC with family. (I hope to be bicoastal one day, because I did not want to leave sunny San Diego). I still love GOD and feel even more connected to Him than I ever have. I definitely talk to Him more and trust in Him more.

Alright, so now that we are all caught up, I just need to say that “life has really been life-ing”. All this recent transitioning has been overly stressful and it definitely didn’t happen on my time. It was truly God’s timing when I started to see things shifting. Although I knew from the beginning that He would work it all out, it did not make things go smoother, definitely not faster, and it didn’t make the hurt, not hurt, ya know.

But here I am, surviving through it…grateful to have made it through. Not that I have reached any level of accomplishment at this time, I am just grateful to see His FRUIT beginning to grow. What has helped me though was the constant clinging to God to build me up and push me, as well as support/encouragement of friends and family. As I mentioned, I’m still IN IT, this wilderness of sorts, but I know without a doubt that I am truly on HIS PATH. And with that I rest easy.

Life may be life-ing, but God is always God-ing, ya know. So get on out there and go FIND YOUR JOI!